The Naughty One

Today it was plastered on Facebook (and I'm assuming on actual news networks, as well) that Jenna Bush, daughter of George W. Bush, admitted to getting lucky on the White House rooftop during Bush's presidency. The term she used was "hanky panky" -- a blanket reference to sex that is so dated that it puts a poodle-skirted peck on the cheek on equal footing with "fisting". We don't have to go so far as to assume that she had intercourse on the roof, but it does beg the question -- how far did Jenna go?

We have a good idea how far Clinton went, thanks to "sir-cumstain-tial" evidence left on Lewinsky's blue dress (will the guv'nor pardon the pun?). Kennedy probably balled Marilyn Monroe in the White House Ballroom. The bombshell blonde could plausibly have been humming "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" as Castro was loading his bombshell with Soviet-tipped nuclear warheads. Who knows how that whole Cuban Missile Crisis thing would have played out if JFK wasn't mowing the White House-d lawn that was Marilyn's loins (I can already hear the comments about the color of the carpet around the Oval Office). Don't get me started on the Lincoln Bedroom. There have probably been more IUDs used in that room than IEDs in Iraq and Afghanistan combined. But I digress.

So, are we to assume that the "naughty one" stopped at first base? Let's be real -- that is as unlikely as her father stopping after the first pretzel. Conservatively speaking, perhaps we could give Jenna the benefit of the doubt, and just agree that there was probably some "heavy petting" involved on the south side of the wall. But let's get some perspective, here. Of all the atrocities that have occurred in and around the White House over the past fifty years; unwarranted wars waged, assassinations of heads of state plotted, Watergate break-ins delegated, interns violated, expensive cigars abused -- Jenna Bush getting finger blasted on the roof while looking out over Edith Roosevelt's Rose Garden should not be considered one of them. I doubt Edith would have approved, but people should really tend to their own gardens when it comes to these types of things. I'm sure some will take this "news" and put it on equal footing with other scandalous acts committed in the political context. I actually applaud Jenna and her rooftop-ed escapades. Who wouldn't want to get lucky over the Oval Office?

The uptight, Puritanical foundation of this country continues to produce limitless outrage to "lewd" acts committed on sacred ground -- and curiously when it serves a "higher" political purpose -- but no pitchforks and torches are summoned from these same people when innocent civilians are slaughtered in US-led military operations in the name of "democracy". I admit that it's going to be fun watching conservatives become conflicted when they decide to hold Bush's daughter to a different standard than Obama's. Likewise, Democrats will probably throw this headline in the face of Republican-led critics who have accused the current President of raising disrespectful children. I think both sides will miss the point, as usual.

Let's get one thing straight -- your White House isn't sacred, people. And it probably never was. Even if there were brief periods where the laws of the Constitution were being honorably upheld, and the American people were being well represented -- someone was always getting fucked, fingered or blown in the White House. It's time to stop thinking that there is any honor and integrity in politics, and that people will (or should) act any differently because they occupy the most popular and powerful house in the world, than they would in any other American household. People will always be drawn to those in power. Sex scandals will always create fantastic headlines that sell newspapers...er...Internet ads, and it will undoubtedly be used as leverage against those affiliated with the offending party. And sometimes, rightly so.

But to expect sex not to happen in (and on) the unholiest of all houses is like those poor saps that really believed that American troops would be received as liberators in the run-up to the second Iraq War. At least W.'s dad, George H.W. Bush, had the common sense not to take out Saddam Hussein in the final stages of Desert Storm for fear of creating a civil war and the rapid destabilization of the Middle East. He took criticism for letting Saddam live and explained his reasoning in the last chapter of his autobiography (that his son apparently never bothered to read). Perhaps if a DVD was made of his father's book (as was done after Hurricane Katrina when W.'s aides were trying to convince him of the need for immediate rescue and relief operations), then W. might possibly have come to understand the hornet's nest that he drunkenly shot out of the tree with his sling shot. I'm sure it's been said before, but George H.W. Bush had the wherewithal to know when to pull out of Iraq, and yet I wonder if he ever questioned himself for not pulling out of Barbara before W. was conceived.

Jenna's dad was once summed up by the witty Texan Ann Richards as being someone "born on third base and thought he hit a triple." I wonder what Ann Richards would say in the context of today's events. What is it about Bush and the third base metaphor that rings true with the "naughty one" today? Remember the bumper stickers from years ago that said "No One Died When Clinton Lied"? Well, now I find myself in the unfamiliar position of defending someone in the Bush family. And I am tempted to design a bumper sticker in her defense that reads: "No One Got Injured When Jenna Got Fingered". It almost rhymes.

If you have a suggestion for a better bumper sticker (and how couldn't you?), or have other comments, feel free to leave them.